The big picture

I wonder how long I'm going to struggle with my vision/goal/future/plans/what I'm going to do/what I ought to do.

The previous sentence was a perfect example of the struggle I'm talking about. There's so much potential in and around me. From my upbringing, to the environment I now find myself in, the universe has relentlessly conspired towards my success. At every turn, I have thwarted these schemes with consistent inaction and sheer dullness. Amazing. I feel like an OD'd junkie on the verge of coma, whose heart the world is trying to jump-start with a series of circumstances ranging from inspirational to embarrassing. My shell must be made of some rather non-reactive element.

I wonder how long I'm going to whine-post. Don't let the title of the blog mislead you. Like everyone else, the subject of my vision is invariably, me. I try to use a wide-angle lens, but it always turns around and zooms into me. Can be quite trying sometimes. No matter what I try to look at, I end up seeing me. The 'my' prefix always nudges itself beside the titles past, present and future.

All this introspection ought to be worth something. I mean, even a few insights have turned out to be money-spinners for many authors. I could write an entire series on myself. Who would read it? Not me.

Ganesan sir said he would find out about part time courses in the University of Chennai, probably Finance, Economics or Management. I'm at that stage in my life - here I must enter a paranthesis - {A 'stage' in my life is usually limbo. I've never been into a proper phase in life since as far as I can remember. I seem to be moving from one crossroads to an indeterminate state.} - when my wishes are taking on the tinge of ambition. Money, intelligence, maturity, stability. The order is right. I'm shallow today. I did ask for maturity, didn't I.

Potential. I see so much of it. It's like standing on a diamond mine. There's even a great big bulldozer and a cart full of tools. I have no idea how to use the tools yet. There are a hundred processes before I can wear a ring on my finger. But I'm sitting on the mine, watching a line of people walk past. Some are awed by the mine, I smile at them, smugness trying to pass off as indifference. Others are amazed I'm doing nothing to get at the diamonds. I watch them, I don't react. They are sad. I am restless, I can't sit still, but it's late in the day, I tell myself I'll start tomorrow. I remember that today is tomorrow.